Conversational dynamics: Using open-ended versus closed-ended questions

Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to control a conversation? Maybe you were in a hurry, the other person was very talkative, or you needed to encourage him to speak at greater length.

Open-ended questions are those which can have many possible correct answers. For example,

"How did you...", "What happened next?" or "What are the possible implications of ...?" Closed-ended questions can have only 1 or 2 possible answers, such as "What's his name?" or "Do you want to do that on Monday or Wednesday at 2 PM?"

Use open-ended questions to encourage people to talk. (To encourage them even more, wait a couple of seconds after they stop speaking, to see if they will say any more.)

Use closed-ended questions to control the flow, if you only need specific information, or if you are in a hurry. Closed-ended questions at the start of a conversation with someone who is reluctant to speak are also effective; change to open-ended questions when the person relaxes.

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Dating online? 3 Communication Tips

If you are dating online, and the e-mails and texts stop flying after a few exchanges, consider these tips.

First, the communication exchange is like a (written) conversation. Go back over it, if possible, and think about what you missed. Did you, for example, comment on the other person's responses and ask frequent questions, like you would in a conversation? Or did you expect the other person to carry the weight of the conversation and "draw you out", continuing to ask you questions so you could talk about yourself? (This might feel like being interviewed, for some people.) If one person is doing all the work to continue the conversation, he or she may decide it's not worth it. On the other hand, if the other person is responding barely, maybe it is because of shyness or maybe its due to a lack of interest.

Second, did you ask the other person how he/she prefers to communicate initially, whether on the dating site, e-mail, chatting online or via telephone? People have definite preferences on this.

If the other person mentioned a situation or problem she was having, how did you react? While this is to some degree a generalization, often women who are expressing problems want a listener (of either sex) to empathize, while a male wants a listener to try to solve the problem, if he can.

If nothing else works, and you are still interested in this person, mention that the correspondence has dropped off and ask if  there is still interest on the other person's part in continuing it.

Business Speech Improvement provides training in verbal skills, including a valuable e-book called "Small Talk:Connecting with Others".  It covers starting, continuing and ending a conversation, and many of the tips in it could be used during the beginning stages of dating online.

Shy? How to make conversation at a social event

You're supposed to attend an important social gathering in the next few days, and you'd rather do anything but go. Worse yet, you know you need to make a good impression on those who are there,
but you are shy.

First, think about whether you will be having to make small talk with strangers as you mingle, or whether you will be seated at a table and only having to talk to those next to you. If you make small talk as you mingle, this means you will need to choose people with whom to speak. However, if the conversation fizzles after a good try, you can move on to talk to someone else!

To start small talk while mingling, try to locate 1-2 people who are by themselves or with just one other person. Try to catch the eye of one of them, which is a way of indicating interest and non-verbally asking permission to talk with the person. If no-one looks at you, stand perpendicular and slightly away from the person to whom you want to speak. When he or she looks at you, start by saying hello, and asking him or her a question. For example, "I understand we both work for XYZ Corporation, or are in the ABC field. I'm (say your name) and I wanted to learn more about what you do for them!"

When the other person answers,  give full attention, and ask a question about his earlier response. "So you work for the LMN Division! That always sounded interesting to me. What do you like best about it?"

If you are seated at a table and need to converse with those on both sides of you, choose one of them and ask a question to get the other person talking. For example, "I understand you are Pat's uncle. He is a good friend of mine! Do you live in the same community, or are you from someplace else?"

When the other person comments, follow up with a question based on something he has said, and sound truly interested. If appropriate, put in a few small comments about yourself, but keep the main focus on the other person.

People usually enjoy talking about themselves, and when they find an interested listener, it can be a rare treat!

For more techniques on how to start, continue and gracefully end a conversation, get the tip-filled practical e-book:

"Small Talk:Connecting with Others"!